.
It’s Wednesday.
And I haven’t spoken to my mother in a good while. It feels great. I feel much centered if I don’t talk to her. I’ll let her make the phone calls from now on. The extra effort is only rewarded with punishment.
If she calls I will also keep the conversation simple and as objective as I can. I won’t battle her. My father and brother are smarter than me in discovering the best way to handle her. It’s just easier to let her have her say and then just think what you want and do what you want.
It’s easier and it will prevent me from resenting my mother over the course of time for treating me like who I am is a negative thing. If I don’t express myself she can’t pass down her classic judgement. Any expression of my self is labeled as selfish most of the time anyway. I know this isn’t true. I don’t need her to tell me who I am. She doesn’t know. She knows the child I was, maybe. But life’s different now.
She and I are too different to be friends. That’s okay, she’s not my friend anyway, and she certainly made it clear that she’ll never want to be my friend.
I always want to believe a mother and a daughter should at this juncture in age be friends. I can be jealous of my friends with mothers that have graduated from authority figure to friend. I will probably never have that.
And surprisingly, when I think about it, I’m okay with that.
My mother can play the role she’s always wanted: the authority figure that gets to say anything she feels and everyone nods in ascension. What they do outside of her presence, well that’s where real freedom lies, and their true selves exist.
Freedom, Love and Self Respect.. the things I wouldn’t have today if she had her way all the time. These are things to remember when she’s giving me ‘advice’ or wants to express her opinion.
Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
And well, everyone’s entitled to not stand up and engage or acknowledge the correctness of that opinion.
I don’t have to fight the battle. Mostly because it’s irrelevant to my life now. I can acknowledge I heard her but I don’t have to offer myself in return.
No more battles. She can’t force me to do anything anymore so I don’t have to feel hurt or let fear lead me into defending myself or expressing dissent. I have to remember. Love and Freedom. I have them now. The past has dissipated. I own my future.
The only jury now is God and he is gentle, correcting, forgiving Father who has called me friend.
What a lovely feeling.
